|Season 1, Episode 3|
|Date Aired:||October 12, 2011|
Don't Call Me Shirley
"The Chatterer" is the third episode of season one, it aired on October 12, 2011.
In the wild jungle that is the suburbs, the elders are very territorial over their little ones… even George Altman. So when George finds out Sheila has been packing Tessa’s lunch, driving her to school every morning and even setting up a college fund in her name, George realizes that he needs to be more involved. First order of business: Join the PTA. When he gets into it with Sheila at his first meeting, everyone freaks. George tells Sheila Shay that PTA should not revolve around a woman's life, as it is just a gathering of over-involved mothers, jotting their feelings over lemon-flavored treats. PTA hasn’t been this interesting since Connie Kisshell had her psychotic breakdown or when one school mom attempted to inject botox into her daughter's forehead.
The next day, George and Noah are running on treadmills while George is informing Noah about his incident with Sheila during yesterday's PTA meeting. Noah tells George that he is spending too much of his time around "MILFs" rather than "ILFs" and his point is proven when the country club's waitress Jocelyn hits on George after offering him a cucumber-enfused washcloth. Later, Dallas hunts down George at the country club while she is playing tennis. It’s worth noting that she’s sporting Jersey Shore -esque hair beads and a fringe top that belongs in a costume shop. Anyway, she pleads with George to drop out of the PTA, claiming that the PTA mothers are all pack animals. He’s not having it.
So at the next PTA gathering, Sheila turns to her "Plan B". Sheila announces that giving birth puts effects on their "chi-chis", which is something George obviously cannot relate to. After Sheila's announcement, she drops a curtain to an unnecessarily stripper pole. Dallas, pleasures, gets up in front of the women and avidly climbs up the pole. Next up is PTA mom Deena Doogan, who disinfects the pole and after poorly dancing a jig that reenacts her morning routine, admits she knows she is not sexy. Deena says she does everything for her husband, including cooking and cleaning, to which George advises her she should take part in something he likes. Next, George offers the other ladies advice on their men problems. Sheila retires to make room for the new PTA therapist.
Mr. Wolfe discovers Tessa’s been skipping her third period to read and snack in the handicapped stall, so he makes it his mission to find her an elective she will enjoy. There's either drama club with the "KKK" (Kenzie, Kaitlin and Kimantha) or a flat-ironing course. So, naturally, Tessa asks for the the least supervised, least popular elective: working on the school newspaper, The Chatswin Chronicle. Most of Chatswin High's students don't even know that "chronicle" is part of the English language. She later meets Malik, the school's only African American student, who has some actual stop-the-presses news for Tessa – no one reads The Chatswin Chronicle. It is instead used as a restroom for the biology lab's hamster, as a table sturdier in the teacher's lounge and also to wipe up vomit on the cafeteria floor. In the hallway, Tessa learns Dalia has some breaking news of her own, “Hannah has fat knees and it’s weird because the rest of her is thin.” OMG, Dalia, that is just so interesting. Oh, wait, there’s more? “Terry from cross-country lost his virginity to Stacy from cheer and I know for a fact she has cellulite.” T.M.I., possibly?
And just like that, Tessa’s new brainchild was born. The Chatterer will replace the old school newspaper and it will only include stories that trash fellow classmates. Malik and Tessa suddenly rise to the top of the food chain overnight. Everyone wants a copy of The Chatterer to see who wore their outfit best and who has an ugly thong. But when Malik wants to do a front page story on Lisa’s thumb sucking habit, Tessa puts her combat-boot foot down. Friends don’t do that to each other. Despite Tessa’s opposition, Malik wants to run the story anyway. That is until Tessa threatens to expose Malik’s creepy obsession with spending his Wednesday nights imitating scenes from the TV show Medium. Maybe writing stories on school lunch carries more journalistic integrity than photos of young girls’ cellulite anyway. And as quickly as The Chatterer sprung to life, just as quickly it went to the recycle bin, as they were convinced by Lisa, who had a petition to resurrect The Chatswin Chronicle, which had two signatures (both of them her own). Malik and Tessa agree, and that day, Lisa's petition got both their signatures.
In George’s new role as the head of the PTA, he becomes more mom than Sheila Shay. He’s ordered rose bouquets for PTA functions and does the dishes in his new mom jeans. Literally, he’s wearing a pair of "Mom" jeans he bought at Rhonda’s “Garage-a-palooza”. Tessa makes him uncomfortably aware of his new feminine ways and he finally recognizes that it’s time to return the PTA gavel to Sheila Shay (who, during her brake from the PTA, became more rebellious, which in her case means reading The Lovely Bones and drinking wild cherry-flavored cola). Thankfully, order returns once again to Chatswin.
- Jeremy Sisto as George Altman
- Jane Levy as Tessa Altman
- Carly Chaikin as Dalia Royce
- Rex Lee as Mr. Wolfe
- Allie Grant as Lisa Shay
- Alan Tudyk as Noah Werner
- Cheryl Hines as Dallas Royce
- Arden Myrin as Jocelyn
- Jamie Denbo as Deena Doogan
- Darlene Hunt as Connie Kushell
- Ana Gasteyer as Sheila Shay
- Abbie Cobb as Kimantha
- Maestro Harrell as Malik
- Sarah Kapp as Nora
- Kara Pacitto as Kenzie
- Katelyn Pacitto as Kaitlin
- Dana Powell as Rhonda
- Karl T. Wright as Tennis Instructor
- Sizzle C, I Like Dem Girls - Sheila gives up the gavel.
- Flo Rida, Low - George rocks the mom jeans.