|Season 1, Episode 7|
|Date Aired:||March 14, 2012|
"Sweet Sixteen" is the seventh episode of season one, it aired on March 14, 2012.
Out in the suburbs, people try as many tatics as they can to look younger - spray tans, injections of botox straight to the forehead, working out, waxes and so on. These tatics apply to George once he discovers a gray hair sprouting on his chest, so he invests in waxing and cosmetics. With Tessa turning 16, he feels self-conscious about having a daughter her age and begins to wonder if he’s starting to look old.
While Tessa plans on celebrating with a quiet evening at home, pizza and a movie with Lisa and Malik, once Dallas catches on to her plan in the parking lot of the supermarket Bulk Mark, she wastes no time trying to convince Tessa that a pizza party for a 16th birthday is unacceptable. Dallas, almost too embarassed to speak beacause she has no yet applied her makeup, tells Tessa that a collegue of Steven owns not only a franchise of very sucessful taco resturant chains and a white tiger, but the record label that Average Shelf Life, Tessa's favorite indie rock band, plays for. Tessa happily agress, as she loves ASL and before Dallas's big plans, all Tessa really wanted as a present was their CD (and a box of Lucky Charms). Later, George and Noah listen to ASL music on an iPod and say how old their music (including a song about "a prostitude becoming a scientist...or something") sounds, making George feel self-conscious once again.
It isn’t long before Dallas persuades Tessa to throw a big party. Dallas informs her that she knows the band which Tessa happens to be a huge fan of and can get them to perform at her party. There’s a catch, Dalia has to plan the party so Dallas can prove to Steven that Dalia can get some form of job ever since she failed her career aptitude quiz.
Tessa reluctantly agrees. Later, the girls are sitting down talking about the plans for the party. Tessa tells Dalia what she has in mind for rooftop themed sitting party and Dalia shoots down her idea and tells her that she will be having her party at the Chatswin Country Club with a pony station where you can snap a photo-up of you and the pony. Also in store are fire breathers, monochromatic tones, exotic dancers and exaggerated décor— or else, no band! Dalia threatens Tessa that if she doesn’t agree with plans for the party, including the dress, she will pull the band from performing.
At the store, while choosing dresses, Tessa picks out almost every dark frumpy dress in stock. Dalia quickly throws them away and has Tessa try on a short white and silver patterned dress which Tessa just knows she’ll hate— that is until she actually puts it on and sees herself in the mirror. She falls in love with the dress, but won’t give Dalia the satisfaction of knowing it.
Later, while bending over to fetch the newspaper, George's back goes out and he falls to his side, yelling in pain. All housewives stop all activity and stare directly at George behind their picket fences. They all rush over, forming a circle around him. The crowd parts and Sheila Shay comes to the rescue, shooing off the other housewives. Out of the goodness of her heart, Sheila takes on the task of nursing George back to health. Though she waits on him hand-and-foot and provides him with sponge baths and painkiller tablets originally prescribed to her after her hysterectomy, when he overhears a conversation between Sheila and Dallas. Dallas was at the house to drop off a container of chicken soup her housekeeper prepared for George. George hears Dallas accusing Sheila of smothering an old man to death, George is convinced that Sheila is trying to kill him too.
Later that day, Noah comes to visit him and of course, ask for a favor. While George, who is drugged up on pain killers, tries to explain to the friend that Sheila is trying to kill him, but money-hungry Noah is only focusing on asking George if his dental practice can be a sponsor of Tessa’s Sweet 16. Even though neither of them are talking about the same thing, Noah understands that he has the go ahead to sponsor the party.
The big night arrives and George can’t attend because he is on “couch rest.” Tessa promises to take lots of pictures, telling him how pretty she will look next to the pony. Once at the party, even Tessa is impressed by the over-the-top event. Dalia managed to pull of getting a pony station, a flame eater, lasers, waitresses serving custom “Tess-tini” mocktails (which Noah made himself, adding ingredients that will rot your teeth, which will buy Noah plenty of business) and not to mention, the band that started the whole thing.
An hour or so into the party, Tessa realizes that her only two friends, Lisa and Malik, had yet to arrive. She asks Dalia if she’s seen them around anywhere. Dalia states that she sent them home because they didn’t fit her vision of what the party should be.
Back at the house, George manages to trick Sheila by stuffing a basketball under the covers, which she discovers when she arrives in the room, prepared to give him his pill. We then see George crawling onto the lawn and into a getaway car being driven by Dallas. He decides he can’t miss Tessa’s party.
Although Tessa is sad her friends aren’t there, she opts to hang around and awkwardly dance to the band’s performance while all of her guests complain how much Average Shelf Life sucks.
In the midst of it all, Noah insults the guest's teeth and hands out business cards. The band coincidentally dedicates their next song to all of the “phony people who surround themselves with people who aren’t their real friends.” This makes Tessa realize that even though her party is amazing, she can’t really have a good time without her two friends.
Later, we see Dallas speed down the street to the Chatswin Country Club, asking George if she should slow down. George tells her how much he feared himself being under the care of Sheila, who apparently murdered the last man she volunteered to nurse for. Dallas chuckles and confesses to him that that old man wiped out himself at age 94. She just accuses Sheila of being his killer to mess with her.
Just as George arrives at the party with Dallas, Tessa announces that she wants to go home and have her party the way she originally intended it to be; quiet, home, pizza, movies and her two friends.
In the end, Tessa’s happy that she realizes she shouldn’t have ditched her friends, no matter how amazing the band and party were. Also, Dallas gifts Tessa diamond earrings, Lisa and Malik dance the robot, and George gets to have a father-daughter dance with his sweet 16 girl.
- Jeremy Sisto as George Altman
- Jane Levy as Tessa Altman
- Carly Chaikin as Dalia Royce
- Allie Grant as Lisa Shay
- Alan Tudyk as Noah Werner
- Cheryl Hines as Dallas Royce
- Jamie Denbo as Deena Doogan
- Jake Richardson as Frontman
- Ana Gasteyer as Sheila Shay
- Brooke Baumer as Lucille
- Abbie Cobb as Kimantha
- Deena Dill as Bliss
- Maestro Harrell as Malik
- Kara Pacitto as Kenzie
- Katelyn Pacitto as Kaitlin
- Dana Powell as Rhonda
- Courtney Hinton as Waitress
- One Ring Zero ("Average Shelf Life"), Here Come the Mannequins - The band plays the song at Tessa's sweet sixteen party.
- Young Mennace (feat. Lizzie Williams), Till Da Sun Comes Up - Dalia and Tessa shop for dresses.
- One Ring Zero ("Average Shelf Life"), Radio - Tessa dances by herself at her party.
- Amos Lee, Sweet Pea - End of episode