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George altman
George Altman
Character Name: George Altman

Relatives:

Tessa Altman (daughter), Alex (ex-wife)
Gender: Male

Portrayed By:

Jeremy Sisto

First Appearance:

Pilot

George Altman

Biography Prior to the information we are provided with in the first episode "Pilot", it has been said that George attended a college and got a proper education. It is also said that during his college run, George played the role of the 'big man on campus'; as the good looks he was blessed with scored him dates with all the attractive girls on campus and invitations to parties. During college, George befriended Noah Werner, who reunites with George in the suburbs. Apparently, people ridiculed George for befriending Noah, though their friendship stuck. Before that, George mentions his only memories of his sixteenth birthday was that he got mono from kissing the guy that gave it to him.

George Altman has been a single father to his 16-year-old daughter Tessa for about as long as he's been a father. But while the departure of his wife shortly after she gave birth might have blown other men to bits, George picked up the pieces and ran with them. He's not a perfect dad, but what he lacks in a general knowledge of the teenaged girl's psyche, he makes up for with a genuine desire to understand his daughter and help her navigate her adolescent years.

Ever since his wife's postpartum departure, George had been raising Tessa in New York, where he worked as a moderately successful architect in the city and its surrounding areas. He had always thought the inner city was an unstable environment for a child such as Tessa. For example, when the two of them had attempted to go Trick-or-Treating throughout their apartment, (years prior to "Pilot) the police removed a sealed corpse from the home (which was then a murder sight) before George and Tessa could receive their candy. Once again, his theory was proven correct after the unauthorized search-and-check he conducted in Tessa's bedroom, where he found an unopened pack of condoms Tessa was stashing for one of her peers. Right after that, George "bubble-wrapped" Tessa's life and threw it into the back of a moving van. Tessa had to share her goodbyes to all things good about the city - their local pizza parlor, Washington Square Park and her sexually active classmates; as George and her were moving to Chatswin, a suburb located in the ladder of the north (where he will continue to hold his job as an architect). When moving to the suburbs, George and his daughter move in and are greeted by the domineering Sheila Shay, who they later vainly try to avoid continuously. Right away the two get heckled with questions by Sheila Shay from afar ("Are you the family from New York?" and "When can I drop off a pot-roast?"). Tessa slams the door on Sheila and the two proceed to take a tour of their new home. Then, George opens the garage to a surprise for Tessa. Instantly, she believes her father purchased her a car, until the garage door lifts open to an antique bicycle. George tells her that him and her will embark on a suburban experience together by learning how to ride. It's a no way for Tessa.

George later visits the Chatswin Country Club. Once stepping in, a group of women lower their cell phones to ogle George as he passes by. He is then greeted by his college buddy Noah Werner - a very wealthy and successful dentist who pays loads of money to preserve his body by bleaching his hair blonde and getting spray-tans. George and Noah sit and George is mortified once he witnesses a woman stride by, not paying attention because she is too fed up on texting, and land in the pool. He tried to warn her, and Noah then informs George that that happens all the time - and the implants serve as a flotation device, so the woman bobs up - still texting. Later, a waitress takes their orders, only to attempt to "serve herself on a bed of his choosing".

Next, George has a architectural consultation with a suburban woman who hired him to install a skylight over her daughter's bed. Once he goes to the house, he is greeted by the big-haired and fake-tanned woman - Dallas Royce. She gives him a tour of her daughter, Dalia's, bedroom; showing him where the skylight should be placed and after George sees how much Dallas spoils Dalia - the wall of hair products and cosmetics, the walk-in shoe closet - he seeks parental advice from her. He asks Dallas what she would do if Dalia had been hiding condoms in her own nightstand. After being asked to describe the condoms, Dallas says that if she was George, she would have to trust Tessa because if they were only in the drawer "she obviously wasn't trying hard to hide them". George then wishes Tessa could have what Dalia has - the shoes, the hair extensions, the motherly love - so Dallas suggests that the two of them take Dalia and Tessa on a play date to the mall. George reluctantly agrees. Dallas also informs him that the latest gossip traveling behind the picket fences is that George is a widower. Later, the two pull up to the sidewalk that Tessa is passing through and they "body-snatch" her. They speed off two the last place Tessa would want to be on Earth and George is shooed off by Dallas once they takeover a boutique. George asks if they would like him to fetch them some food court snacks, though Dallas furiously reminds him that if they gorge themselves with unhealthy food court cuisine, they will bloat while trying on garments. So, George happily flees the store - after telling Tessa how cute an "I Heart New York" T-shirt is. He then goes to where Dallas suggested he goes - the "dad couch" - a bench where several middle-aged men jabbering on cell phones where seated.

He is not present when Dallas starts critiquing Tessa's bra, though later we see Noah was invited to eat dinner with him and Tessa at the Altman residence. Tessa enters the dinning room in a provocative number she threw together called "Mall Skank". George then tries to feed Tessa the pot-roast Sheila Shay baked them, though Tessa insists that she has dinner handled herself, as she brought her own food - a can of sugar-free Red Bull. George tells her that the Red Bull was not her dinner, though she pops open the can and takes a sip, which makes George angry. She tells him that he was the one who wanted her to be just like all the other suburban girls - and the suburban girls skip meals to instead guzzle down a can of Red Bull (well, Tessa says so). She angrily storms from the room after her and George get into an argument. The next day, her and George pull out past-aggressive reference books. They pull their books away and tell each other how they feel about the move to the suburbs - Tessa relating it to the death of a childhood goldfish. George then says that Tessa needs to give the suburbs a try, the same way she did with Federico Fellini's foreign films she first thought were boring because they contained subtitles and were in black and white, though ended up loving. Tessa gets up in the middle of George's comment to answer the door. In the last scene, George waters the front lawn and from across the street, Sheila Shay tells him she heard him and her friend, Jocelyn - the waitress from the country club, informed her that she and George really hit it off. Then, all of a sudden, Jocelyn pops up from behind Sheila and yells to George that she has started to stalk him.


In "The Barbeque" George and Tessa turn into Sheila Shay's victims - every morning after she wakes up, she waters her lawn, turns off her garden hose and proceeds to walk straight across the street to invite George and Tessa to dinner at her house. Though, they have been running out of creative ways to turn her offers down with. Once Tessa suggests that they run Sheila over with George's car, they hear Sheila's hose system squeak off, signaling she had completed watering her lawn. She walks over to their house and in a melodramatic sequence of events, George dumps his cereal, Tessa runs for the back door and it looks like they may evade the grips of Sheil Shay's dinner invites once again. But then the unthinkable happens: George’s jacket gets caught in the back door. He pleads with Tessa to save herself, and with a soft stroke of his hand to her cheek, Tessa leaves George behind to face Sheila’s attack alone. He reluctantly agrees to her millionth invitation. So, before the two of them leave to embark the Shay's Stepford-web, they create code words in case there happens to be any point in the middle of dinner that they would want to flee away from. They decide on "pickles" and "irritable bowel". Once they swig open the door to leave, they see Sheila Shay on the front steps, beaming and demanding to know what was keeping the two.

Once at dinner, Sheila and her husband Fred peck at George with questions about his departed wife and once George asks for them to allow him no further comment, they force him into answering anyway. George says the two simply split up fifteen years from then. Sheila and Fred insist that Tessa follows Ryan and Lisa into the basement along with Ryan's group of friends so they all can catch front row seats at the gun-show while Fred and Sheila annoy George in privacy about his "failed marriage". Once the teens all go downstairs, Fred and Sheila put on their poker faces and explain a serious matter to George - once a new family moves to Chatswin, they must invite their neighbors to a barbeque - the barbeque - so they do not seem unwelcoming. Once he tries to ask questions, they force him to stuff his face with cake and listen to them blabber. Once Tessa storms up the stairs yelling "Pickles!", he finally gets away from the Shays and their house.

Later, George suspects something usual is occurring in Tessa's life when he witnesses her stare into the distance as she has the milk carton tilted towards her cup - though she is not pouring anything at all. He questions what the entire incident that made Tessa yell "Pickles!" the other night, she explains that the rec room just had so many wood panels that it made her feel like she was in an asylum. The next day, George accompanies Noah at the hair salon. Noah tells George the same thing the Shays at told him - he must throw the barbeque. Noah says that George better have it quickly and Noah is also surprised with the fact that people are still talking to him - surprised that he is even talking to him. Noah then allows George to use his grill - not just any grill, the holy grail of all grills. As Noah is on his way out, he runs into Dallas, who tells him that yes, he must have the barbeque before the situation gets out of hand. She has him walk with her, and during their stroll through the hair salon, Dallas spills the details about the run-in between Tessa and Ryan's lips - she says its just a neighbor looking out for another neighbor, as she is worried that "baby neighbors" will be welcomed if she didn't. That night at dinner, George and Tessa eat in silence until the subject comes up and George slowly questions Tessa about Ryan. As he does, Tessa remains silent and blames George that the situation was his fault, not hers, as he took her from her natural environment and dropped her in the middle of the suburbs and then she storms from the room.

The next day, George holds a barbeque in his backyard. Once Noah fires up his grill, Sally, Dallas confronts George to compliment the guacamole. She asks him if he smooched it himself, and he tells her he did, which leads her to change the subject by saying "speaking of smooching" - which means she is going to once again throw questions out into the open about Tessa and Ryan. He tells her he could not manage to pester any information from Tessa, though he says she did make a cryptic comment about penguins. Dallas tells her that she believes "penguin" may be Web-language for male crotch, so she tells George she will get back to him after she looks it up on Yahoo! After that, George has a run-in with two obviously homosexual neighbors, and George comments that it is so nice to see a gay couple, as it makes him feel like he is still living in New York because the place is flooding with gays. The two men's jaws drop, and they ask if there really is a gay couple in the suburbs. They quickly tell George to "dish" because they love hearing all the gossip before their wives. Uh-oh, George. Next, Noah runs up to George and informs him that Sally is deal - she is out of propane. George suggests that Noah goes to purchase more propane, though the only store that sells a tank of propane big enough to feed Sally is closed on Sunday - and it was Sunday. George then whips out his old barbeque grill he had in New York and feeds Chatswin their highly-demanded barbeque. In the last scene, we see Tessa sit on the back steps of the porch and her and George both share barbeque while George tells Tessa a story about a woman he used to know who he couldn't stand - the woman turning out to be the departed Ms. Altman.


In "The Chatterer" George is fed up that Sheila Shay is attempting to replace him as Tessa's parental figure. Sheila makes Tessa lunch and transports her to and from school every day, Sheila even set up a college fund in Tessa's name. But, apparently, it's not the motherly gestures Sheila is pulling, it's just her...she says she's just being "neighborly", though it appears obvious she is trying to "co-parent" by cleaning the Altman's home, critiquing George's painting skills and suggesting how much bleach George uses. So he decides to drive Tessa to school and once he gets there, he confronts Sheila and tells her she can stop mothering his daughter, though Sheila insists that it is her duty as president of the PTA to take care of all children as if they were her own. So, to get back at her, George voluntarily joins the PTA, to which Sheila insists George cannot manage it. Though, he tries his hardest to show her. The next day, George shows up at his first PTA meeting and once every woman is seated, Sheila Shay slams her gavel and demands that everybody quiets down so she can start asking George if Tessa is up to date on her immunizations. George then tells them all that working parents have to balance more than non-employed parents and George states that he does not have enough time to constantly mother like those mothers mother. So, Sheila angrily gavels George, to which George comments that maybe it was time to gavel Sheila. The mothers all gasp, stating that the PTA hasn't been this exciting since Connie Kisshell had a psychotic break-down.

The next day, George and Noah are running on treadmills at the country club gym and George is explaining to Noah about all of his troubles with Sheila. Then, Jocelyn appears to flirt with George as she offers him a cucumber-infused washcloth. Noah then comments that ever since George joined the PTA, he has been paying far more attention to "MILFs", rather than the "ILFs". George then walks away and on his way out, Dallas hunts him down in the middle of her tennis lesson. She pleads that George drops out of the PTA as he offended about every one of those women at the latest meeting. He tells her that they offended him and he storms off as Dallas snaps that George cannot take the towels off the country club property.

The next day at a PTA meeting, Sheila whispers among several PTA mothers that she cannot believe that George even had the nerve to show up, so Sheila whips out her Plan B. Connie introduces that meeting's activity, which is a work-out that will do wonders for your self-esteem. George nods with approval until Sheila and the women agree how much stress giving birth puts on their "chi-chi"s. So Sheila lowers a curtain to a stripper pole, which humiliates George completely. Dallas then works the pole and next in line is Deena Doogan, who disinfects the pole and starts to interperate her morning routine. She breaks down admitting she is not at all sexy and starts to babble about her marital problems and George steps in to help, giving her advice that makes her feel better. Sheila laughs and asks if the women are going to have a man give them advice about their men...well, Sheila, they are. The women huddle around George, who shoos them off and reminds them of the "one at a time" rule. Sheila then quits and the women decide to pass the gavel to George.

Later, while George is gossiping on the phone with several moms, saying who looks 50 and suggesting what tops they should wear to PTA functions, Tessa tells him how crazy he sounds. Next, he is seen in charge at a PTA meeting where they are all planning Teacher Appreciation Week. During the discussion of jobs for the occasion, Dallas reminds George of all the duties that used to be held by Sheila, though George shamelessly decides to take it upon himself to do all them. So, after he gets the bouquets and refreshments for Teacher Appreciation Week, we see him doing the dishes in a pair of mom jeans...literally, he is wearing mom jeans he purchased from Rhonda's "garage-a-palooza". So Tessa suggests that George hangs up his new jeans and begins to start being a father once again. So, George walks across the street and returns the gavel to basket case Sheila, who insists that the PTA needs their marital counselor. To get Sheila into PTA president mode, George mentions an upcoming function - a picnic at a petting zoo, which is located near a plant. Almost instantly, Sheila thinks of the fumes of the plant mixed with the picnic and the baby ducks...of course, the fumes! Sheila just always remembers those fumes. So, order returns to Chatswin as Sheila gets her gavel back.


In "Don't Call Me Shirley", George and Tessa are eating breakfast in silence until Tessa hears the distant sound of police sirens. It turns out that Sheila Shay's collection of Shirley Temple dolls has been stolen. Next, George and Noah meet together over lunch at the country club. Noah informs George that ever since the doll burglary, business in his dental practice has been rising to the roof. George at first thinks that Noah means the cops are searching for the doll's dental records, though it turns out Noah has been taking advantage of the situation and providing mouth guards to all of the worried neighbor’s who can’t seem to stop grinding their teeth and thrusting their tongues. He advises George to also take advantage of the opportunity and create panic rooms in the homes of families to help them feel safer, while helping himself earn extra cash. So, Noah pulls out the latest copy of Inside Celebrity Panic Rooms, a magazine Noah has a subscription to. Noah is pointing at the panic rooms of Bono and Jay-Z while George is saying that, as an architect, he knows that not many people add extra rooms to their homes. All of a sudden, a nervous and vulnerable Dallas rushes into the restaurant and starts selecting decor for the panic room she demands that George installs in her house. George just isn't on with the panic room idea.

That night, when George and Tessa are setting the table for microwave pizza night, the doorbell suddenly rings. In the doorway stands Dalia, who then is rushed up to by Dallas and two Louie Veton trunkloads of their things. Apparently, since the Royces do not yet have a panic room to panic in, they felt like "sitting ducks in their big professionally-decorated home" and rushed over to the Altman's "cozy" house to seek refuge from Chatswin's crime-ridden streets. So, not that much time goes by before Dallas starts to annoy George and Tessa. Dallas then adds "a woman's touch" by setting the table with a vase full of roses she stole from Sheila's flower garden, china she stole from a moving box marked 'Good Dishes', and a table runner. This irritates him and Tessa because even after they explained to Dallas that it's only pizza night and they prefer to eat their pizza on paper plates. At one point after Dallas lead the families in prayer, the doorbell rings and Dallas refuses to let Tessa excuse herself from the table during dinner unless the bell rings twice, which would signal either urgency, a package and/or an urgent package. The doorbell does ring twice, so Tessa leaves the room as George takes a bite into his slice of pizza. Dallas makes George spit out his bite of pizza after explaining that no one is allowed to take a bite of their food unless everyone is seated at the table at the same time. Not to mention, Dalia claims she feels claustrophobic and sticky in the house because it is so "cozy" and the cheesy pizza doesn’t sit well in her stomach so she ends up farting the whole night.

So, later that night, Dallas unplugs the alarm clock and lamp on George's bedside table to make way for her beauty products. Then, she clears George's underwear drawer and fills it with her collection of yoga pants. After she mentions this, she starts to poke fun at George and his unflattering, dumpy white boxer shorts. Once he starts to tell her that a woman should keep her hands off a man's "undies", she starts to mace him with spritses of lavender spray, so he eventually storms from the room.

That night, George and Tessa hear activity occurring downstairs. George quips a curtain rod and finds that the noises are coming from the laundry room, so he swings open the door and finds that the clamor is Dallas, who is sitting on his washing machine in the dark, guiltily eating a "Croque Monsieur". He drops the curtain rod and him and Dallas have an affectionate conversation with each other about how hard it mush be to have to raise their only children on their own. The next morning, Dalia and Tessa walk into the kitchen were George and Dallas are in their robes and feeding each other scrambled eggs off the floor while discussing the various upcoming events occurring in Suburbia...the Apple Festival, which has a hayride that will transport you to the Chowder Festival. This leads Tessa and Dalia to map out a plan that will separate both families and put them back in their original houses. Tessa claims that she is the notorious Chatswin doll thief and has Dalia on board to purposely frame her in Mr. Wolf's ear-shot. So, George gets called up to school and Tessa claims she did it because the suburbs have been boring her. George says he'll consider moving back to New York in the future.


The episode "Halloween" starts out with two mothers in tracksuits power-walking together, who then drop their jaws in pure horror as they look on at the monstrosity that has become of Altman's home. In the front yard, George and Tessa are seen hanging up ghoulish and gory decorations, including rows of tombstones and a bloody guillotine. Their house is even half-covered by a cobweb and an over sized spider. Tessa then explains that in the city, rather than fake decorations, they had to worry about real murder scenes. It then is cut to a flashback of Tessa and George dressed as a pilot and a mime. They happily knock on a door, chanting out the usual "Trick-or-Treat!" while a police officer is not so happy himself. He says that a murder recently occurred in the apartment, proven by the crime scene tape and bloody hand prints. George chuckles, saying that the two police officers obviously went the whole nine yards to put a chill in people, though then the two officers dead seriously pull a sealed corpse from the building. Then, back at the Altman home as the exercising women scuttle off in a scare as Noah pulls up to the Altman's house and questions the bloody and gory decorations. Noah tells George that any home decorating for the holidays must first be approved by the community board, as to not ruin the aesthetics of the neighborhood. After all, Chatswin always wins the award for "most uniform houses." Noah then starts trying to pack up all the decorations to put them back in the garage so that the Altman’s don’t get fined. Though, George refuses and decides to pay a visit to the president of the community board herself - Dallas Royce.

We then see Dallas standing on a latter in the middle of Chatswin High's cafeteria, stringing up large decorative lollipops and gum drops. George storms in to discuss why he can’t have a head-cutting guillotine on his lawn if he gosh darn wishes. She proceeds to tell him that those kinds of decorations belong in East Chatswin, where they have only one frozen yogurt shop and self-service gasoline pumps. Guillotines are too scary for the children. She urges him to help out in decorating for the “Jaunty - not haunty - Carefest - not scarefest” children’s fair being held at the school but George tells her that it looks like the gum drop fairy threw up all over the room. He refuses to participate. If you ask me, he’s right on this one. Halloween shouldn’t be about lollipops and smiley faces, it should be about frights, blood and maybe just a few headless things. Dallas explains that the community spends a lot of money to keep the children of Chatswin safe during Halloween but George argues that by decorating with gumdrops and lollipops, the kids are only being sheltered. He argues that there should be zombies, witches and mutant zombie witches— Chatswin is robbing the kids of having fun.

George continues to try and convince Dallas to have a scary Halloween. First, George invites Dallas to his house and as she arrives, he sits in the opposite room and tricks her into coming quick as he pulled up a cute photo of a lollipop on his iPad. She walks living room and a dusty pop-out skeleton then pops from the doorway, making Dallas trip into a pile of Halloween decorations and be swarmed by several bees. George grovels at her knees and Dallas angrily asks why he would do that to her. George then buys her a bouquet of flowers and as he tries to search Chatswin High to hunt her down, she pops out at him and the two agree that scaring people is enjoyable, though Dallas still things that being the one would gets scared is not her forte. Later, Dallas agrees to watch scary movies with George.

She invites him to her house and brings along some of his favorite horror films. Dallas then comes down the staircase once he arrives. She is wearing her "ready to be scared" attire - a skimpy leopard-printed dress. She then tells George she thought that the two were going to watch the sequel to Sex and the City. George then states that she is the one who is supposed to be scared, not him. So, she reluctantly agrees to watch the scary movies as long as she can have "full squeezing privileges". She has to choose between Rosemary's Baby, where the "cute little baby" is the devil, The Exorcist? , where the little girl is the devil, and The Omen? , where the little boy is the devil. She asks to be surprised. In the meantime she practices her own scare tactics on him, such as hands popping out of popcorn bowls. George says that if she wanted to give him a real scare, she should have put her fake nails on the hand. Then, at the climax of the movie - the last scene, Dallas says her heart is racing, her palms are sweaty, she feels like she’s going to die but she’s having fun. George has finally convinced her. So, Dallas says she is going to type up an email to the community board convincing them to let Chatswin have a scary Halloween. As she does, we hear a door open as George is trying on his executioner mask and quipping his fake axe in a hope to scare Dallas once again. He calls to Dallas that something scary is lurking in the house. The figure entering the house turns out to be Stephen Royce, Dallas's husband who is home early from a business trip. Stephen emerges into the house and pops George in the face, making him drop to the floor.

So, as Dallas is in the other room and George is flat on the floor, Stephen makes himself a rum and Coke and contacts the police to ask if he had a break-in, suspecting that George is a burglar. George then calls that he is with Dallas, and Stephen flips him over with his foot and asks him, "What do you mean, you're with Dallas?", thinking that George is literally dating Dallas. Speaking of Dallas, she rushes into the room and notices that Stephen has returned from his travels on business. He states he rushed home to visit his beautiful trophy wife. So, he ask permission if he may kiss her, so Dallas grants it and as Stephen attempts to kiss her on the lips, she continuously scoots over a notch and in the end, Stephen gets to give her a peck on the forehead. So George decides that he should go as he is putting the married couple in an extremely awkward position. So, as Dallas and George share their goodbyes, Stephen is seen at the top of the staircase and watching down, then asking, "So, he has a goatee, huh?"

So, by the end of the episode we see that the Altman's house is decked out in all things gory. So, as a group of little trick-or-treaters come up, they take their candy and scurry away in horror after Tessa holds a bodiless head by the hair and chases the kids away.


In "Charity Case", George first appears to be getting the grand tour of Noah's brand new bathroom. The beauty is equipped with heated flooring, towel warmers, an infinity bathtub, a bade, a speaking toilet imported from Japan and the star of the show - a walk-in steam shower with multiple heads. Noah then asks if George knows what element is missing from his extravagant bathroom, and George asks, "Modesty?" Noah chuckles and says that what really is missing is a skylight as if there isn't already enough money invested in it. And who better than George to install it? Noah even labeled George as "The Skylight King", even though that title was not chosen by George, as only skylight George has installed was for Dallas. With a little time to spare after completing the skylight project, George calls for Noah, only to learn that nobody is home because the house is completely silent. So, George decides to “test out” the shower that Noah had been bragging about— which is fully equipped with a shower bidet. In the middle of his pleasurable shower, in walks in the maid with a pile of towels. The maid screams and throws the towels, running from the room in disgust. This caused him to get surprised, run out from the shower for a further explanation. So, he does so wet and naked. Unfortunately, he slips across the floor and in turn, bumps his lip on the marble counter top. So later, George visits the dental practice that Noah owns and operates. As George lays back in his chair, Noah and his dental assistant Cindy review the X-rays of the interior of George's mouth. Noah says that according to Wikipedia, the condition that George's gum fracture is in, he should get a crown put in his mouth.

So, when George returns home, George is preparing himself a sandwich with the pre-packaged deli meat Tessa fished out of the garbage can at school. As he does, he is reminiscing about Noah's ridiculously over-the-top home renovations, explaining that Noah's house apparently has massage tables and a fountain soda dispenser with rows of different iced tea flavors. As he does, Tessa is glumly laying her head on the kitchen table and explaining about her dilemma of running the most dumbest charity known to man. He gives her great advice in that he tells her if she already has the attention of the people, regardless of why, she should lead and eventually they’ll come around to seeing her point. So, Tessa brings a homeless transsexual man that used to live on her and George's block to school in an attempt to pop the bubble of selfishness the Suburbanites have been living in. So, they soon believe that since Tessa ate that deli meat from the trash and is friends with homeless drag queens, she and George obviously need help.

Meanwhile, George receives his dental bill from Noah - all 2,600 dollars of it. So, George approaches Noah, then in the middle of his shower, stating that friends give each other discounts - George even gave Noah a break on his skylight. Noah then says that he didn't give George the friends and family discount because he believed that it would insult George. Noah even states that he had to give his maid the rest of the day of because when she witnessed him showering, she became traumatized. George asks for forgiveness from Noah because with the maid gone, "who would cube his pineapple?" Noah angrily explains that he is allergic to pineapple and if George was a true friend, he would have known that. So later, George goes to Noah's practice to get his crown, though when he's there, Noah is silent, refusing to speak to George. To break the silence, George apologizes for the previous day, saying he did in fact know that Noah was allergic to pineapple, he had just wanted to make a point. Then, Noah states that when the two were in college, he envied George because he got all the pretty girls and party invitations and people must have given George crap for befriending Noah. George then says that people in the suburbs must give Noah crap for being friends with him. Yes, they do. So, in the end, Noah has his skylight and George has his crown.

So, that night, Dallas and Dalia ring on the Altman's door to donate to their needy cause. They donate their cabana's air multiplier, Egyptian cotton hand towels, canned bisk and handfuls of gadgets that were purchased from the Sky Mall - a professional double-Belgium waffle maker and so forth. So, when George politely slams the door on the Royce girls, he turns to Tessa and asks her when she was selecting a charity, did she focus on them? So, Tessa says that was not the point she was trying to pass through and vows to return all the items Chatswin's residents donated them. George then says no, as he was about to hook up the air multiplier and the Belgium waffle maker. So, that night, George is laying on the couch seen soaking is feet. Tessa enters the room with smoothies she made with their new juicer - no ice do to the sensitivity of George's crown. So, George then falls asleep as Tessa reads her letter from Gladys.


The episode "Sweet Sixteen" starts out with Tessa explaining that out in the suburbs, people invest in as many tactics as they can to resolve appearing old. And, apparently, George is no exception. George is beginning to question his appearance and more specifically, his age. With Tessa turning 16, he feels self-conscious about having a daughter her age and begins to wonder if he’s starting to look old. So, he begins to invest in waxing and cosmetics after he discovers a single gray hair on his chest. So, one day George is primping in the mirror and plucks that gray chest hair and stares at it with disapproval. That morning, as he climbs down the staircase, Tessa starts to suggest that they replace their supply of fiber and oat breakfast cereals with something that actually has a little sugar in it. He then converts the subject, asking if he appears old enough to have a sixteen-year-old daughter. Tessa drones and George asks Tessa if she is even having a party to celebrate the event. She explains that yes, she will have a party - her friends Lisa and Malik will come over to eat pizza and watch a movie. George boos the idea, saying that sixteen years is a tremendous milestone and that they should go all out for her party. Tessa then reluctantly agrees to go big by ordering an extra-large pizza. George then states that if she is worrying about the cost of an extravagant sweet sixteen birthday party, she shouldn't because business is picking up for him and he can afford to spoil his only daughter. He says he has great gift ideas for Tessa, and she asks if one of her presents could be that George doesn't pick it out.

So, that day, George and Tessa exit Chatswin's mega-market known as Bulk Mart. They push their cart to the car and Tessa states that when shopping for a sweet sixteen gift, this stole would be an ideal candidate for the job - they have sugary breakfast cereals. So, as they inch towards the car, Tessa pulls out a CD of her favorite indie rock band, Average Shelf Life, and says that something was clearly wrong with the Bulk Mart, as the CD was placed in the clearance bin for $4.99. So, as the two unload their groceries, George discovers an ear hair trimmer that Tessa dropped in the cart, which makes him even more insecure about his age. Then, Dallas and Dalia walk by and ask them what they were shopping for at the Bulk Mart and George tells them that he was purchasing a present for Tessa's sweet sixteen birthday. Dallas gasps and demands that Tessa spills all the details about her party - two buddies and a pizza. Dallas shouts out, "No!" continuously and tells them they they must go big. George tells them that Tessa wants to keep her party low-key and Tessa says it's true; all she wants is the Average Shelf Life album. Dallas grabs the CD and promises she can get them to play live at Tessa's party because a colleague of Stephen Royce owns ASL's record label. Though, she says that she can only get the band if it is a big event, not two friends and a pizza. So, Tessa reluctantly agrees to go big.

Later, George and Noah are sitting on the Altman's front porch steps and listening to the Average Shelf Life album on an iPod. Noah and George both look confused about the concept of the song they were listening to was, and George says he thinks its about "a prostitute who becomes a scientist or something." Then, as Noah leaves for his car, he explains that the two of them are old. George disagrees, though Noah tells him he discovered a gray chest hair the other day. George then defends that, saying that he looked it up and young people get those all the time. So, as Noah pulls away, George bends over to reach for the newspaper. Then, we hear his back go out and he falls flat in the middle of his lawn. He yelps and it is heard by all the neighboring housewives, who drop all further activity from behind their picket fences and swarm around George and trying to heal him. Then, all of a sudden, the crowd parts and Sheila Shay rushes to George's aide, then shoos off all the other women. Sheila assures George that everything will remain alright.

So, once under Sheila's care, George is smothered by Sheila with nuturing motherly love - food, sponge baths and painkiller tablets originally prescribed to her after her hysterectomy. One day as George is wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, the door rings and Sheila proceeds to answer it. It is Dallas, stopping to pay a visit and to drop of a tub of chicken noodle soup her housekeeper cooked for George (which isn't the same thing as Dallas making it, but she paid for the ingredients.) Sheila then says it's nice that Dallas thinks George actually wants to see her and tells her she'll make sure he gets her soup. Dallas then stops her in the act and George overhears the entire conversation, in which Dallas accuses Sheila of smothering the last man under her care to death. Later that day, Noah comes to visit him and to ask for a favor of him. While George, who is obviously drugged up on pain killers, tries to explain to the friend that Sheila is trying to kill him, though money-hungry Noah is only focusing on asking George if he can sponsor Tessa’s sweet 16 to earn business for his dental practice. Somehow while neither of them are talking about the same thing, the friend understands that he has the go ahead to sponsor the party. The big night arrives and once Tessa puts on her sparkly dress, she leaves broken old George home with nurse Sheila because he is on “couch rest.” Tessa promises to take lots of pictures with the pony.

Later house, we see Sheila enter the living room, prepared to give George another one of her famous sponge baths. George is lumped up under the covers, and Sheila pokes at him, trying to wake him up to freshen up. So she then pulls off the covers to find that "George" was bundles of blankets and pillows stashed under the covers with a basketball serving as his head. We then see George wiggle through the front yard on his forearms toward the getaway car— of course being maneuvered by Dallas, his accomplice in escaping from Sheila Shay's hospital. He decides he can’t miss Tessa’s party so him and Dallas drive away to the country club, though in the long run it turns out to be a waste of time because Tessa decides she wants to stick with her original plans of her friends, a pizza and a movie. So, once returned home, George has a dance with his sweet sixteen girl.

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