Don't Call Me Shirley
Season 1, Episode 4


Ken Whittingham
Date Aired: October 19, 2011
episode guide
The Chatterer

"Don't Call Me Shirley" is the fourth episode of season one, it aired on October 19, 2011.


BREAKING NEWS: A burglar is on the loose! That’s right; the Chatswin police can finally stop dunking their fat-free donuts in their dairy-free coffees and start eating up real crime. First on the list is Sheila Shay’s missing doll collection. These aren’t just any dolls, people. We’re talking antique Shirley Temple collector’s edition dolls here. It's the biggest shock to the suburbs since... well, since ever.

So when night time rolls around, guess who is feeling most susceptible to the crime-ridden streets? Dallas and Dalia, that’s who. And guess where they seek refuge? George and Tessa’s "claustrophobic and sticky" home, that’s where. While it is kind of creepy that they want to spend the night (aren’t there other neighbors they’ve known longer?), George tries to make them feel welcome after they barge into their home with several Louis Vatan trunks. All is going well until Dallas maces George's bedroom with lavendar spray and moves George’s undies to make room for her collection of mulitcolored yoga pants. Not cool, Dallas. Not cool. Then she pokes fun at him for his dumpy looking boxers and suggests that he gets real manly boxer briefs like David Beckham. George is livid and humiliated so he storms out of the room. (To be fair, Dallas does have a point. Boxers are very unflattering.)

Tessa and George hear rustling downstairs in the middle of the night. Could it be another break in? There’s only one way to find out. They both equip weapons and sneak down the staircase. They find the clamor… it’s Dallas eating a ham and cheese sandwich – er, a "Croque Monsieur" – in the laundry room. She’s an emotional eater. Dallas feels guilty about her fight with George, so they talk things out.

Much to Tessa's dismay, George and Dallas are looking comfty in their bathrooms, flirting again in the morning and chatting about future plans to take the girls to Chatswin's latest festivals as they feed each other scrambled eggs off the stove. This tragic conversation leaves Tessa and Dalia with no choice. They devise a little plan of their own to break up George and Dallas' neighborly love affair. Dalia accuses Tessa of stealing Sheila Shay’s dolls and Tessa pretends to be guilty and confesses. When George hears about the confession, he toys with the idea of moving back to New York because of Tessa’s newfound criminal behavior. Tessa’s ecstatic – her plan worked! Well, not really. It turns out George just wants to see how far she’ll take this confession thing, so he brings her over to Sheila’s to plead guilty.

Currently, Sheila Shay is a hot mess - she makes (and unfortunately wears) Missing T-shirts, showcasing a photo of her dolls and a phone number to call if they are found. Sheila also admits that she spends her week nights ironing and folding her missing doll's clothing. As Sheila irons a pair of hand-stitched overalls while suggesting she donates the doll clothes to another collector or the owner of a pet monkey, Tessa goes overboard and tells Sheila to her face that she is responsible for taking her precious dolls. That’s when Lisa busts out of left field holding a Shirley doll by the hair. Lisa is the actual doll thief. She wanted to get even with her mom for all the years of neglect, which include the countless times her mother brought her down and took away her dessert, even the time Sheila took Lisa's pet cat and put it up for adoption.

The Chatswin crime rate may have been sullied, but at least we can consider this case closed.



There are no songs featured in this episode.

External LinksEdit

Episode Guide vte
Season 1 Pilot · The Barbecue · The Chatterer · Don't Call Me Shirley · Halloween · Charity Case · Sweet Sixteen · Thanksgiving · The Nutcracker · Driving Miss Dalia · Out in the Burbs · The Casino Trip · Sex and the Suburbs · The Body · Fire with Fire · Poetic Injustice · Independence Day · Down Time · Entering Eden · Hear No Evil · The Great Compromise · The Motherload
Season 2 Homecoming · The Witch of East Chatswin · Ryan's Song · Foam Finger · The Wishbone · Friendship Fish · Krampus · Black Thai · Junior Secretary's Day · Chinese Chicken · Yakult Leader · Body Talk · Blowtox and Burlap · T-Ball & Sympathy · Leaving Chatswin · How to Be a Baby · Eat, Pray, Eat · Brown Trembler · Decemberfold · Go, Gamblers! · Apocalypse Meow · Stray Dogs
Season 3 No Me Gusta, Mami · Victor Ha · Open Door Policy · The Birds and the Biederman · Blame It on the Rainstick · About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing · I'm Just Not That Into Me · Catch and Release · The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth · No, You Can't Sit with Us · Dalia Nicole Smith · Les Lucioles · Stiiiiiiill Horny
See also: Episode Guide