|Character Name:||Dallas Royce|
| Dalia Royce (Daughter)
Steven Royce (Ex-Husband)
An arrangement of tightly clad curves topped by a wide row of white teeth and a cascade of blond hair, Dallas is the typical non-working stay-at-home housewife you would find behind the wheel of a fully-loaded SUV. Dallas arbors a hefty supply of sugar-free Red Bull.
Dallas was the wife of Steven Royce. She and George have developed a relationship ever since he was hired to install skylights over Dalia's bed. She acts flirty towards him though, implying she wants to expand their relationship.
Not much is said about Dallas's past. In "The Nutcracker", Dallas states when she was a little girl, her mother always had her wear bright red mittens during the wintertime so they would not get lost in the snow. Also, apparently, in her time, Dallas has come up with at least one hundred different charities; all involving her and her brother-in-law, who is an air matress salesman; donating air matresses to some sort of needy cause - "Air Matresses for the Homeless," "Air Matresses for the Elderly", etc.
In "Pilot", Dallas first appears scanning her refrigerator for a can of Sugar Free Red Bull (even though Red Bull are the only thing occupying her fridge). She pops a straw in her can and answers the door to George Altman, who she hired to renovate her daughter Dalia's bedroom. He comes in and Dallas shows him around Dalia's bedroom, showing him her shoe closet and wall full of makeup, nail polish, hair extensions, and tanning solution - showing that Dallas obviously spoils her daughter. Dallas ends the tour of the room saying she would like to install a skylight over Dalia's bed. She and George take a seat on Dalia's bed and George seeks advice from Dallas about what she would do herself if she found a box of condoms in her daughter's nightstand. Dallas tells George that if they were just sitting in the nightstand drawer, Tessa obviously wasn't trying very hard to hide them. George said that Dalia must have the life because of Dallas's unique parenting style. Dallas suggests that the two of them should take their daughters to the mall after school that day.Later, while Tessa is walking home from school, Dallas and George pull up, Dallas introducing herself to Tessa as "a friend of her daddy's". Tessa enters the backseat of the car where Dalia is sitting. They drive off and later are seen in a boutique in the mall where Dallas declines George's offer to grab the girls snacks from the food court, saying that they will bloat while trying on clothes. She advises that George takes a seat on the "dad couch" and he does so. Later, Dalia and Tessa are standing in front of a dressing room mirror in matching pink outfits. We hear Dallas calling to Tessa that she can come to her for help if she feels lost, unpretty, or insecure. Tessa turns to Dalia, telling her that her mom is only doing this because she feels sorry for her, to which Dalia says Dallas is only doing it so she can "screw" George. To that, Tessa asks if Dallas even "screws" Dalia's father and Dalia chuckles, saying "No!" Dallas later emerges into the dressing room while Dalia exits. Dallas zips down Tessa's vest and starts to critique the sports bra Tessa is wearing, stating that it looks "down-right orthapedic", like a "giant Ace bandage" or something that would be worn by a burn victim. Tessa asks, "Are you calling my bra ugly?" to which Dallas replies, "Yes I am, only because it is ugly."
In the last scene of the episode, George allows Dallas to walk into Tessa's bedroom. She tells Tessa that she deserves to be gifted a bra from somebody who actually knows a thing or two about them. Tessa unwraps layers of tissue paper to a formal bra, which she states is the prettiest thing she owns.
In "The Barbeque", Dallas is seen strolling through the Chatswin Country Club in tennis gear. She passes George, who was recently speaking with Noah in the hair salon. He asks if she is going to be another person to convince him to throw a barbeque, though she says that not what she needed to say, though she does say he should hold a barbeque quickly or else he will send unwelcoming vibes. Dallas informs him what Dalia had told her about the previous night in the Shay's rec room. She tells him that Tessa and Ryan hit first base, to which George questions what first base is again. She fills him in on what it means, to which leads George into asking Tessa about her relationship with Ryan. Later, Dallas is seen at George's barbeque (though not accompanied by Dalia). She once again confronts George, informing him more about the "humpus in the rumpus". George then tells her abour Tessa's constant talk about the Gentoo penguin. Dallas tells him that "penguin" might possibly be Internet talk for a man's crotch. She tells him she will get back to him after she Yahoo! searches it. Later, in the last scene when George's barbeque is shown to be a success, Dallas can be seen smiling at his accomplishment.
In "The Chatterer", it is shown that Dallas is an active member of the PTA. She is first seen posting flyers and recruiting new members, stating that the PTA is in need of more moms after they lost one of their mothers who got arrested for giving her daughter botox and then lost custody. George then joins the PTA out of fury, which makes Dallas . She attends a PTA meeting with George, who states that the PTA is nothing more than housewives gathering to gossip over lemon-flavored treats. The next day at the country club, Dallas passes George, wearing a fringe top with her hair strung with Jersey Shore-esque beads. She tells him that he must back down from his postition in the PTA because the mothers are pack animals. Though George just won't do it. At the next PTA meeting, Sheila pulls some strings to do something that George can not relate to at all - make the women feel sexy about themselves by bringing in a stripper pole. Dallas is first to voluntarily climb the pole, which she does avidly.
In "Don't Call Me Shirley", Dallas and Dalia fear being burglarized by the notorious Chatswin doll theif, so they crash the Altman's house because they feel like "sitting ducks in their professionally-decorated home". Her and Dalia feel "claustrophobic" in the Altman's "sticky" and "cozy" home (which is their way to say small.) Not too much time goes by before Dallas a Dalia begin to annoy George and Tessa. Dallas sets the table with fine cutlery, roses from Sheila Shay's flower garden, and tablecloths— even after they explain that it’s pizza night and they usually just eat their pizza on paper plates. At one point, the doorbell rings and Dallas refuses to let Tessa excuse herself from the table during dinner unless the bell rings twice. Dallas makes George spit out his bite of pizza after explaining that no one is allowed to take a bite of their food unless everyone is seated at the table at the same time. Next, she leads everyone in prayer, stating to the Lord that even though the cheese on the pizza would surely make Dalia gassy, she hopes that they will burn off the calories swiftly.
That night, she covers George's nightstand with her beauty products and empties his underwear drawer to make room for her yoga pants. Then she pokes fun at him for his dumpy looking boxers and suggests that he gets real manly boxer briefs "like David Beckham". George is livid and humiliated so he storms out of the room. In the middle of that night, Tessa wakes up to strange sounds. She grabs her baseball bat and heads downstairs. Once downstairs she bumps into her dad, who also has a baseball bat. They’re both frightened and in search of where the noise could be coming from. They realize the sounds are coming from the laundry room. Ready to attack, they swing the door open and find Dallas sitting in the dark, guiltily cramming a ham and cheese sandwich down her mouth. Earlier she explained to George that she does not eat in public. George sends Tessa up to her room to get some sleep and talks to Dallas downstairs.
The next morning, after Dalia and Tessa promise not to speak anything about the sleepover at school, they walk into the kitchen to find George and Dallas looking cozy in their robes, feeding eachother food off the stove while chatting and giggling about the various activities and festivals they can take the girls to together. Dalia and Tessa plot out a plan to pull their parents away from each other, which, in result, moves the Royces out of the Altman's home.
In "Halloween", Dallas is shown stringing plastic candies up all around Chatswin High 's cafeteria where the school's annual "jaunty not haunty" children's festival. George meets with her, the head of the community board, to discuss why he can’t have a head-cutting guillotine on his front lawn if he wishes. She proceeds to tell him that those kinds of decorations belong in East Chatswin, where they have only one frozen yogurt shop and self-service gasoline pumps. She insists that guillotins are too scary for the children. She urges him to join the decorating comitee for the "Jaunty (not haunty) Carefest (not scarefest)", though he refuses to participate. George tells her that that decorations make it look like the Gum Drop Fairy threw up all over Rainbow Town. Dallas explains that the community spends a lot of money to keep the children of Chatswin safe during Halloween but George argues that by decorating with gumdrops and lollipops, the kids are only being sheltered. He argues that there should be zombies, witches and mutant zombie witches— Chatswin is robbing their children of having fun.
George continues to try and convince Dallas to have a scary Halloween, by first tricking her into walking into his living room with a pop-out skeleton hanging from the doorway. She runs into the skeleton and lands on the ground in a pile of Halloween decorations while bees swarm around her. She asks what his problem is, taking disgust in George's deceivement. Then, George apologizes by buying her flowers and groveling. Dallas agrees to watch scary movies with George as long as she can have "full squeezing privileges". She has to choose between the classic horror movies George dug up - The Omen, The Exorcist and Rosemary's Baby. She decides to watch the one with the "cute little baby". George informs her that the baby actually is posessed by the devil, so she asks to just be surprised. Before the movie starts, though, Dallas removes her fake nails. In the meantime she practices her own scare tactics on him, such as hands popping out of popcorn bowls. When the movie is over, Dallas says her heart is racing, her palms are sweaty, she feels like she’s going to die but she’s having fun. George has finally convinced her.
Meanwhile, Dallas leaves the room and George tries on a mask and pulls out a fake axe. The door creaks open and George calls to Dallas that something scary is at the door. Then the door swings open completely to Stephen Royce, her husband who has returned from one of his many business trips. George jumps out at Stephen, who mistakes George for a burglar and pins him to the floor. Dallas reenters the room thinking that Stephen and George must have "really hit it off". Stephen tries to kiss Dallas, who allows him to only kiss her forehead, proving Dallas obviously has stronger feeling for George rather than Stephen.
In "Charity Case", Dallas is first mentioned by George, him stating to Noah that he did in fact install a skylight over Dalia's bed. She is later seen in the hallway holding two trays of pre-packaged deli meat to help support the cause and feed the volunteers participating in Chatswin’s first “Semi-Annual Florida Clarisonic Face Brush Fundraiser.” She tells Tessa that in her time, she has come up with at least 100 different charities; all involving her and her brother-in-law, who is an air matress salesman; donating air matresses to some sort of needy cause - "Air Matresses for the Homeless," "Air Matresses for the Elderly". Before Dallas exits the hallway, she dumps both trays of deli meat into the garbage can. Later, when Gladys visits Chatswin High, Dallas is seen clutching Dalia's shoulders when Gladys starts to vividly explain the process in which he becomes female. Later, when Tessa and George become the students and faculty of Chatswin High's charity case, Dallas tells Tessa that they did it because the picture she painted of her life with homeless transsexuals was just devastating. Then, Dallas and Dalia come to the Altman's home and gifts them canned bisk, Eygptian cotton hand towells, an air multiplyer and a bunch of useless appliances and gadgets from the Sky Mall - including a professional double Belguim waffle maker. Also, Dallas ushers Dalia towards Tessa so she can gift her a tube of lip gloss she shoplifted from a department store.
In "Sweet Sixteen", Dallas first appears when her and Dalia stumble upon George and Tessa in the parking lot of Chatswin's supermarket, "Bulk Mart". She at first tells the two that she is too flustered to even speak because she was yet to apply a face of makeup. Once she hears that Tessa's idea for her sweet sixteen is only pizza, a movie and two friends; she objects totally, saying "No!" a bunch of times. She then notices Tessa's Average Shelf Life CD and informs her that a colleague of Stephen is the owner of ASL's record label, also, he owns a chain of successful taco resturants and a white tiger. Dallas ensures Tessa that she can get ASL to perform at her birthday party...well, not for two people. Only if it's big, and sure enough, Tessa decides she wants a big party. Later, though, Tessa finds that there is a catch...Dallas will be having Dalia plan the party to prove to Stephen that just because Dalia failed her career aptitude test doesn't mean that someday she will not have a decent occupation. So Dalia plans Tessa's party at the Chatswin country club and adds go-go dancers, fire breathers, mocktails, ponies...what doesn't she add?
Later in the episode; while George is under the care of Sheila Shay, who has been nursing him to health ever since his back went out while fetching the newspaper; Dallas comes to visit George. She also has to drop off a Tuppleware container full of chicken noodle soup that her housekeeper cooked (which isn't exactly the same thing as Dallas making it, but she bought the ingredients!) Sheila informs Dallas matter-of-factly that George doesn't need her company or chicken soup. So then, Dallas tells Sheila that once she puts herself to the job as a poor man's nurse, she will smother him to death...literally. Dallas mentions that Sheila had once taken care of a man named Tom Jespersen. Sheila insists she did not and slams the door in Dallas's face.
Later, we see Sheila preparing to give George his pain killers and George is buried deep under the covers on the couch. Sheila creeps closer and pulls of a blanket, revealing not George but stacks of blankets in the shape of his body and a basketball ad his head. She screams and then we see George crawling through his front lawn and into the baskseat of his escape car - which happens to be manuevered by Dallas so George can make Tessa's party. She speeds away to the country club, George barking at her to go faster. She tells him that she cannot as she already got three speeding tickets in that exact area. Later, Dallas's cell phone rings and she says it's Sheila. George yells that Dallas does not answer it, saying she is going to kill him just like she did to Tom Jespersen. Dallas chuckles, saying that Old Man Jespersen bit the dust himself at age 94, though she just accuses Sheila to be the cause of his death to mess with her mind. George sighs in relief and the two show up at Tessa's birthday party just when she's about to storm out. They move the party to the Altman residence and order a pizza, invite over Lisa and Malik and play a movie. In that last scene, Dallas gifts Tessa a pair of diamond stud earrings and Tessa appears to be very thankful.
In "Thanksgiving", Dallas first appears when George goes to her house to ask a favor. She is with her new hybrid puppy dog, Yakult, named after her favorite probiotic beverage. George asks if Dallas is doing anything exciting, because if she was he wondered if Tessa could tag along. Dallas explains she's always doing something fun, even when she isn't doing anything fun. So, Dallas agrees and before leaving, George gives her a kiss on the cheek and Dallas, in a princess-y way, whispers to Yakult if she witnessed that.
So, later, we see that Tessa is subjected to watching Dallas get her hair done while crunching on Bugles from her purse, so Tessa decides to read the entire time. Dallas pushes away Tessa's book and suggests that Tessa should get her hair styled into a Brazillian, though Tessa says she wouldn't get one on her dead body, but the hair she has apparently isn't good enough for a corpse. So, Dallas promises that if the two do get matching flat hair, Tessa can pick anywhere she wants for lunch...anywhere, huh? So, later we see Tessa and Dallas in the front of the car, both with flat hair styles and passing a sign stating they will pass New York soon. Though, Tessa has to keep their little trip to NYC a secret. So, Dallas and Tessa first get there and are walking the streets and Dallas discovers rows of designer-brand handbags and she asks a homeless man how much they cost and he says "Fifteen," which makes Dallas ask "Fifteen what?" It turns out, the purses were counterfeit, so Dallas now has to handle two secrets as she hands her money and purchases three counterfeited purses. Their next stop is an art mueseum where Dallas stares in awe at a priceless work of art and insists that she must have it. Then, the two go to each get a greasy slice of pizza. While Tessa is showing Dallas the proper way to eat their pizza on the go, she looks shocked and drops her jaw...and her slice of pizza. Dallas mistakens Tessa's dropping of her pizza slice part of the process to eat your pizza on the go, so she slaps her pizza onto the sidewalk. It turns out that Tessa was staring at a row of parked cars and inbetween two is George and a mysterious woman making out together. Dallas and Tessa both angrily yell "That son of a [*Car horn honks loudly*] BITCH!!"Later, on the drive home, Tessa is remesing about George cheating on the suburbs with New York while Dallas is going on about the woman George was making out with. Later, we see that the Royce Thanksgiving dinner party extravaganza has started with Dallas and Dalia greeting guests, Dallas skampily clad in a low-cut Indian princess costume. Later, Stephen confronts Dallas about how angry he is that she got a dog without asking him, though Dallas explains that he got a new girlfriend without asking her...yes, it's true, "Google Image search it." So, Stephen then walks into a pile of dog poop and angrily yells that that is why Royces don't wear shoes inside. First, they go around the table to announce what they are thankful for and Jill Werner states, while glaring at Dallas, that she is thankful that she "doesn't have to dress like a prostitude to impress the attention of her husband". During their dinner, a furied Tessa confronts George about her run-in with him and his mysterious woman. George, as furied as Tessa, angrily states that Dallas lied to him and took his daughter to Manhattan.
In one of the last scenes, Dallas is seen leaning against her kitchen counter dressed a velour sweatsuit, visibly exhausted from the hovac of the Thanksgiving dinner. Stephen is sitting on the counter and offers to make him and Dallas a pot of coffee, though she declines, stating it would keep her up all night. So, he says he can make decaf, so she reluctantly agrees to coffee.
In "The Nutcracker", Dallas first appears to be in her great room, which is decorated with a row of three tall pink Christmas trees that light up. First, Stephen comes into the room and bets his thighs are an inch thicker than last year because he has been bench-pressing. Though Dallas refuses to invest into the bet because she is too busy writing out Christmas greeting cards for neighbors and the next card in her stack is George's, so she signs it with two Xs for kisses. Next, she imagines George as she licks the envelope closed and just then, George walks in with something hid behind his back. George invites Dallas to his tree trimming party, though Dallas can't because her and her family must attend the Royce tradition of going to Aspen for skiing. George says she will be missed and pulls a present from behind his back for her to put under her tree and Dallas gasps. She promises she will love George's gift.
Later, the Royces return home the night of the tree trimming in their skiing gear, as their flight was grounded due to the treacherous outdoor weather. So, Dalia goes to her room and Stephen goes to telephone a travel while Dallas proceeds to open up George's gift from underneath the tree. She is visibly suprised and delighted as she unwraps a pair of bright red mittens. So, during the tree trimming, the door rings and George answers it to Dallas, who is there to thank him for the gloves, saying "he remebered". He asked her what she means by that, and Dallas explains the story she told him earlier about when she was a young girl and her mother always made her wear bright red mittens so they wouldn't get lost in the snow. So, she pulls him towards her and the two share a kiss. Dallas is embarrassed and leaves, George then noticing the two were underneath a bough of misteltoe.
Dallas's personality is a cross between a "Stepford Wife" and an adult version of a Toddlers & Tiaras contestant. By heart, Dallas is 110% upper middle class suburban woman. Dallas is a ditzy, gossipy, snobby, materialistic, hypocritical gold digger. Though behind all that canned tanning solution, fake nails, tight clothing, dead hair, silicone rubber and Red Bull; Dallas's heart has a gleam of motherly love for everybody, including Tessa. Ever since Tessa moved to Chatswin, Dallas has been wanting to keep her from being ostracized among her peers by boosting her physical appearance and letting her socialiaze with Dalia and her friends. For example, when Dallas brutally wanted Tessa to step out of her "lesbian boots" and replace them with a nice pair of "heterosexual dress shoes". She even went as far as purchasing Tessa a bra and a pair of diamond earrings; also, Dallas got Average Shelf Life to perform at Tessa's sixteenth birthday party.
She, like other mothers in Chatswin, is not above spoiling her daughter, starting with the ballet lessons Dalia attended as a child (shown in photographs hung in Dalia's bedroom). Once Dalia got older, Dallas went to extremes to make her daughter gain self confidence (or rather expose her to vanity), including devoting one wall to shoes and another to a "creation station"- shelves stocked with nail polish, beauty products, hair extensions and tanning solutions. She also hired George to install a set of skylights over Dalia's bed. Dallas even goes to measures such as convincing her daughter to sex up her wardrobe to attract the attention of guys. For example, Dalia tries on a skirt that is already impossibly short, and Dallas suggests that she should hem the skirt a few inches, beliving the skirt was too long.
Physical Appearance and StyleEdit
Dallas must be embodied by the term "Dalia's older sister". Dallas is slender and has prominent features. Her leathery skin is bronzed with spray-on tan. She has a head of dirty blonde hair that cascades down her shoulders. Dallas usually wears tight clothing and high-heeled shoes with big earrings. On some occasions, Dallas will wear extremely bizarre outfits and accesories. On one occasion; "The Barbeque", she wore a gigantic straw hat; and in "The Chatterer", her tennis gear included her hair strung in Jersey Shore-esque beads and a pink fringe top that must belong in a costume shop.
Dallas Royce has a Facebook.com fan page.